since having vented about the annoyance of our house guest, things have only gotten worse. or it feels worse now that attention has been brought to it. i asked if he got an apartment, and he says he's working on it-- but for now is having trouble getting home for xmas because he lost his driver's license. which explains why he is home ALL DAY LONG.
i am probably getting my period soon.
Monday, December 17, 2007
Sunday, December 16, 2007
wherever i go, i will return
i had to migrate to the computer this morning while having breakfast because of a guest we have staying on our couch. normally, this is not something that bothers me, and he is one of those people that is totally courteous and pleasant but kind of to an annoying extent, and exaggerated and caricatured. like this morning; i walk into the kitchen at 1230pm intent on making a nice plate of scrambled eggs and coffee, but instead i see our guest on my favorite chair in the sun, reading. silence.
"good morning," i say quietly.
"OH GOOD MORNING," with a tense and genuine over-enthusiasm.
more silence. but i can sense his desire to act like he isn't there, even though his presence is so expansive it's almost viral. as i start to make my eggs, i hear him making these unnecessarily large quips at his book:
"HMPH... HMM!"
... suggesting perhaps, should i inquire what is so intriguing?
in my freshly brain cells demolished state, i choose not to indulge him and really pretend he isn't there. and begin to feel annoyed, and invaded in my living room, on my favorite chair in the sun that i might have enjoyed my cup of coffee on.
after my eggs are done, i am thoroughly annoyed and involuntarily obligated to move to my studio, where is the only place i can peacefully and un-irkfully eat my first meal of the day.
_____________________________________
that was a very literary entry wasn't it? i can't remember any time when i've written dialog like that.
&c.
"good morning," i say quietly.
"OH GOOD MORNING," with a tense and genuine over-enthusiasm.
more silence. but i can sense his desire to act like he isn't there, even though his presence is so expansive it's almost viral. as i start to make my eggs, i hear him making these unnecessarily large quips at his book:
"HMPH... HMM!"
... suggesting perhaps, should i inquire what is so intriguing?
in my freshly brain cells demolished state, i choose not to indulge him and really pretend he isn't there. and begin to feel annoyed, and invaded in my living room, on my favorite chair in the sun that i might have enjoyed my cup of coffee on.
after my eggs are done, i am thoroughly annoyed and involuntarily obligated to move to my studio, where is the only place i can peacefully and un-irkfully eat my first meal of the day.
_____________________________________
that was a very literary entry wasn't it? i can't remember any time when i've written dialog like that.
&c.
Thursday, December 13, 2007
i need to sell my as mercinerias record.
goddamn it's fucking cold in here.
maybe if i don't think about how cold it is, it won't be.
one more day of work before i get a break!! and of course, in karmic fashion, it's going to be spent alongside a fucking heinous paraeducator who just HATES me. and i know this because twice today when asking two very non-hassling questions, as to where the bathroom was and where they kept the paper towel supply, i got two eye-rolls, a glare, and some ignoring. what the fuck? sorry i'm the white lady who is in your precious compton elementary school, but it's not like you guys are slumming it in this facility or anything. or your job is difficult (you got out of your desk once as a brief interruption to reading the latest issue of essence cover to cover). and must you yell so frequently at the poor kids? WHY are you punishing them for laughing at the movie, when they are watching SHREK THE THIRD?!?!!!!! THEY ARE SEVERELY AUTISTIC 8 YEAR OLDS! JESUS!!!
ugh. anyway. i thought about canceling the gig but it's pretty easy and little hours and it's only one more day. and everyone else around the facility is really nice and sweet and awesome. the hating is so unnecessary, ms. yolanda.
what else is there to talk about aside from work? i ate pizza last night. my car remote died. the story is ultimately lame so it's not worth repeating. i went to yoga, and now i need to shower. yes, i am really living it up these days.
maybe if i don't think about how cold it is, it won't be.
one more day of work before i get a break!! and of course, in karmic fashion, it's going to be spent alongside a fucking heinous paraeducator who just HATES me. and i know this because twice today when asking two very non-hassling questions, as to where the bathroom was and where they kept the paper towel supply, i got two eye-rolls, a glare, and some ignoring. what the fuck? sorry i'm the white lady who is in your precious compton elementary school, but it's not like you guys are slumming it in this facility or anything. or your job is difficult (you got out of your desk once as a brief interruption to reading the latest issue of essence cover to cover). and must you yell so frequently at the poor kids? WHY are you punishing them for laughing at the movie, when they are watching SHREK THE THIRD?!?!!!!! THEY ARE SEVERELY AUTISTIC 8 YEAR OLDS! JESUS!!!
ugh. anyway. i thought about canceling the gig but it's pretty easy and little hours and it's only one more day. and everyone else around the facility is really nice and sweet and awesome. the hating is so unnecessary, ms. yolanda.
what else is there to talk about aside from work? i ate pizza last night. my car remote died. the story is ultimately lame so it's not worth repeating. i went to yoga, and now i need to shower. yes, i am really living it up these days.
Monday, December 10, 2007
another day another dollar
back into the work week. just three more days after this one (i'm taking wedensday off for dr.'s appointment) and then three glorious weeks of vacation/hibernation. it's just gonna be me, angela chase (my so-called life has just been released on netlifx!!!!!!) and my space heater. together at last.
now that i am released from my burden to finish reading wicked (susie and i collectively decided it was a flub of bad writing and not work finishing), i'm deciding on what to read next. this morning i quickly picked up cat's cradle, which i have already started reading twice, but i think the third time is not the charm. why must it be so difficult choosing a book to read? for me it must be the hardest decision to make, because it's making a tiny committment. a time-based committment. an emotional investment and time-based committment. kind of like being in a relationship.
i wanted to go grocery shopping today because i am addicted to readymade burritos (the epitome of laziness), but i forgot last week that i burdened myself with the task of buying a huge bag of frozen chicken breasts at trader joes, in an effort to put more than 3 minutes of microwave cooking into my meals. but it's so easy to become accustomed to the convenience of frozen readymade food. but at the same time it feels so wrong, so undeserved. even though boiling chicken doesn't take a lot of time at all (it really doesn't), all of a sudden i've become fearful of it. so, in an effort to at least try to prepare food beyond the microwave, i hereby declare that i will NOT go to the grocery store today after work.
now i can't believe i really wrote that much about the moral implications of cooking food versus microwaving food.
it's amazing the difference between 7th graders and 8th graders. they grow so much in one summer. i can't imagine the shock and awe after seeing each other grow 1 foot and suddenly develop more adult like features.
i have to go now because i have one more batch of kids before my day is done. like batches of cookies, but only messier, less sweet, and half-baked.
now that i am released from my burden to finish reading wicked (susie and i collectively decided it was a flub of bad writing and not work finishing), i'm deciding on what to read next. this morning i quickly picked up cat's cradle, which i have already started reading twice, but i think the third time is not the charm. why must it be so difficult choosing a book to read? for me it must be the hardest decision to make, because it's making a tiny committment. a time-based committment. an emotional investment and time-based committment. kind of like being in a relationship.
i wanted to go grocery shopping today because i am addicted to readymade burritos (the epitome of laziness), but i forgot last week that i burdened myself with the task of buying a huge bag of frozen chicken breasts at trader joes, in an effort to put more than 3 minutes of microwave cooking into my meals. but it's so easy to become accustomed to the convenience of frozen readymade food. but at the same time it feels so wrong, so undeserved. even though boiling chicken doesn't take a lot of time at all (it really doesn't), all of a sudden i've become fearful of it. so, in an effort to at least try to prepare food beyond the microwave, i hereby declare that i will NOT go to the grocery store today after work.
now i can't believe i really wrote that much about the moral implications of cooking food versus microwaving food.
it's amazing the difference between 7th graders and 8th graders. they grow so much in one summer. i can't imagine the shock and awe after seeing each other grow 1 foot and suddenly develop more adult like features.
i have to go now because i have one more batch of kids before my day is done. like batches of cookies, but only messier, less sweet, and half-baked.
Wednesday, December 05, 2007
the sun rises at night no longer
i thought about now was time for another blogging entry. because it would be criminal sitting in front of a computer all day and not doing so...
today is my second day at rosamund felsen. i didn't realize that when i started this job that it would be the first time i was entirely in charge of someone's operation/business. or you know, manning the gates or whatever. it's been pretty alright so far. there isn't a whole lot to report because well... i don't really do anything to report. i read a really great interview between chris ofili and brice marden yesterday, and today was going to be my day to plow through wicked (sorry susie) but instead i've been writing more emails (like yesterday), doing some gallery work (inputting articles), eating a frozen burrito (my current lunch staple), getting coffee and going to the bathroom.
lucrecia introduced me to viva radio. i like it. except i don't like that it has played emperor's "the loss and curse of reverence" in two different sets today because it's such an annoying hardcore song. otherwise, the station keeps me sort of sane here at work. i even thought about bringing a movie (would that be too much?) to watch. maybe i shouldn't mention that.
if anyone reading this will come visit me with carob malt balls in tote i would be most utterly grateful. your bonus: mint lemonade from the bergamot cafe, on me!
i'm sorry. i'm so bored. i'll stop indulging in you. i'll get back to reading wicked.
today is my second day at rosamund felsen. i didn't realize that when i started this job that it would be the first time i was entirely in charge of someone's operation/business. or you know, manning the gates or whatever. it's been pretty alright so far. there isn't a whole lot to report because well... i don't really do anything to report. i read a really great interview between chris ofili and brice marden yesterday, and today was going to be my day to plow through wicked (sorry susie) but instead i've been writing more emails (like yesterday), doing some gallery work (inputting articles), eating a frozen burrito (my current lunch staple), getting coffee and going to the bathroom.
lucrecia introduced me to viva radio. i like it. except i don't like that it has played emperor's "the loss and curse of reverence" in two different sets today because it's such an annoying hardcore song. otherwise, the station keeps me sort of sane here at work. i even thought about bringing a movie (would that be too much?) to watch. maybe i shouldn't mention that.
if anyone reading this will come visit me with carob malt balls in tote i would be most utterly grateful. your bonus: mint lemonade from the bergamot cafe, on me!
i'm sorry. i'm so bored. i'll stop indulging in you. i'll get back to reading wicked.
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
reality bites
twice already tonight by delaying my daily shower i've given it up to two people. now there is going to be hardly ANY hot water left. and our apartment doesn't have heat. i've been using clamp lights to heat it up so far...
Sunday, November 25, 2007
dreaming.
one thing i forgot to mention in my last post was my weird and twisted dream i had a few nights ago:
the setting: i'm in college, not sure if it's graduate school or not, i guess it must be. on some anonymous campus. my friend maria and i are both students.
so, we're walking aound campus and all fo a sudden in our path is a news reporter, breaking the story that the first case of mad cow disease was exactly where we were standing, and is contagious through the air. so we're like, omg do we have mad cow disease? (we are both hypochondriacs) so we run away covering our nose and mouths, hoping we dont have it. the news reporter said we would feel it pretty instantly if we had it. so anyway, we run into the student union and we're fine.
the next day we're on campus and the same thing happens again-- the disease is spreading at such a fast pace people can't be quarantined fast enough. we make a rn for indoors again, covering our faces. maria tells me that our friend carla has already died of mad cow isease the day before in lake placid, where she lives in real life.
so then i wake up, in my dream. i wake up and realize what a silly dream i had. then as i was laughing about how ridiculous it was, i started to feel weird, thinking i might really have it after all. then i really woke up.
doesnt that sound like an episode of the twilight zone??@
the setting: i'm in college, not sure if it's graduate school or not, i guess it must be. on some anonymous campus. my friend maria and i are both students.
so, we're walking aound campus and all fo a sudden in our path is a news reporter, breaking the story that the first case of mad cow disease was exactly where we were standing, and is contagious through the air. so we're like, omg do we have mad cow disease? (we are both hypochondriacs) so we run away covering our nose and mouths, hoping we dont have it. the news reporter said we would feel it pretty instantly if we had it. so anyway, we run into the student union and we're fine.
the next day we're on campus and the same thing happens again-- the disease is spreading at such a fast pace people can't be quarantined fast enough. we make a rn for indoors again, covering our faces. maria tells me that our friend carla has already died of mad cow isease the day before in lake placid, where she lives in real life.
so then i wake up, in my dream. i wake up and realize what a silly dream i had. then as i was laughing about how ridiculous it was, i started to feel weird, thinking i might really have it after all. then i really woke up.
doesnt that sound like an episode of the twilight zone??@
i want to be mejor
a post to wrap up the weekend.
adjusting back to the pace of life has almost become fully realigned. in spite of that, i still spent most of today watching syndicated 90s sitcoms.
i got ahold of an agnes martin lecture from skowhegan, and i listened to it last night on repeat. i think at a few points i momentarily broke into tears. she is so resilient and humored by the world, unphased by the humor in it. she is a freed soul. listening to her lecture makes it bittersweet to think about life as an artist. after i write this, i'm going to start listening to mel bochner lectures also from skowhegan, which i imagine will be a completely different experiment.
on the subject of art, find pictures of richard prince's de koonig paintings. they're interesting...
the mess in my room is intimidating and scary. i don't want to get near it out of fear o getting swallowed in it. it's making me depressed even just walking through it, or thinking about it.
today i bought the in-kraut compilation and brigitte fontaine's genre humaine (which is sooo hard to find in print or to download-- thanks amoeba!) in an effort to encourage me to start working or at least progress in getting things done, but i guess today i just really desired to be in another state.
i really need to stop burning the candles at both ends.
besos mijas y mijos
adjusting back to the pace of life has almost become fully realigned. in spite of that, i still spent most of today watching syndicated 90s sitcoms.
i got ahold of an agnes martin lecture from skowhegan, and i listened to it last night on repeat. i think at a few points i momentarily broke into tears. she is so resilient and humored by the world, unphased by the humor in it. she is a freed soul. listening to her lecture makes it bittersweet to think about life as an artist. after i write this, i'm going to start listening to mel bochner lectures also from skowhegan, which i imagine will be a completely different experiment.
on the subject of art, find pictures of richard prince's de koonig paintings. they're interesting...
the mess in my room is intimidating and scary. i don't want to get near it out of fear o getting swallowed in it. it's making me depressed even just walking through it, or thinking about it.
today i bought the in-kraut compilation and brigitte fontaine's genre humaine (which is sooo hard to find in print or to download-- thanks amoeba!) in an effort to encourage me to start working or at least progress in getting things done, but i guess today i just really desired to be in another state.
i really need to stop burning the candles at both ends.
besos mijas y mijos
Wednesday, November 21, 2007
rock and roll heart
now that i am much less jetlagged i feel more abl to reflect on my trip. here is a summary:
-saw practically every show in chelsea except for the thomas ruff. highlights: charline von heyl, charlie ray, george condo, jason rhoades, antony gormely, hirsch perelman, isaac julien, and there are others. the richard prince at the guggenheim was fantastic.
-i was underdressed the entire time
-visited yale and columbia, and i liked them both equally. they are very different. i think i might like yale more to my surprise. maybe i'll apply next year.
-ate french fries
-bought a book by liz kotz on language in 1960s art, which i am very excited to read
-a sudden urge to wear heels
-became slightly afraid of large crowds
-became slightly grateful for los angeles rush hour because at least you're not on a crowded subway in a random man's armpit for an hour
there were a lot of really emotional moments though. one in particular i felt as i was making my way to the gugenheim on the second day i was there, walking own madison ave in this ultra grey couldiness unique to ny in november. i looked up at all the buildings and suddenly realized how it was exactly how i remembered them, the type of brown and greys in the photographs i held onto for so long when i was homesick, when i was painting from them, and kept for posterity's sake... it was so real. it was very overwhelming.
seeing old friends was good, all good, and interesting. it's interesting how we are all basically the same people our entire lives.
it was a good trip.
now i'm back here, back to my dirty studio that i forgot to clean before i left. listening to kurt weill...
-saw practically every show in chelsea except for the thomas ruff. highlights: charline von heyl, charlie ray, george condo, jason rhoades, antony gormely, hirsch perelman, isaac julien, and there are others. the richard prince at the guggenheim was fantastic.
-i was underdressed the entire time
-visited yale and columbia, and i liked them both equally. they are very different. i think i might like yale more to my surprise. maybe i'll apply next year.
-ate french fries
-bought a book by liz kotz on language in 1960s art, which i am very excited to read
-a sudden urge to wear heels
-became slightly afraid of large crowds
-became slightly grateful for los angeles rush hour because at least you're not on a crowded subway in a random man's armpit for an hour
there were a lot of really emotional moments though. one in particular i felt as i was making my way to the gugenheim on the second day i was there, walking own madison ave in this ultra grey couldiness unique to ny in november. i looked up at all the buildings and suddenly realized how it was exactly how i remembered them, the type of brown and greys in the photographs i held onto for so long when i was homesick, when i was painting from them, and kept for posterity's sake... it was so real. it was very overwhelming.
seeing old friends was good, all good, and interesting. it's interesting how we are all basically the same people our entire lives.
it was a good trip.
now i'm back here, back to my dirty studio that i forgot to clean before i left. listening to kurt weill...
Monday, November 19, 2007
TV = company
i've returned from new york. i am back in los angeles. and i am so tired. i secretly want to hideout for 2 or 3 days to recover.
what an exhausting trip. i really think i should have stayed there through thanksgiving, because i hardly got to spend enough time with the people i went to visit to make up for 3-6 years of not seeing them. saw a lot of art shows, notably richard prince at the guggenheim, charlie ray at matthew marks, charline von heyl at friedrich petzel, isaac julien at metro pictures, blah, blah, blah. i did other things too.
after a lot of drama at my school, i am officially "replaced." i confronted the bitchy-office-manager-who-hates-me on a phone call on friday telling me casually that i have been replaced and to not come back to that classroom. like if i didn't call, they would not have told me. how professional. i honestly can't say i'm too surprised though, because i'll be gone working for rosamund felsen for the next couple weeks too...
more substantive and less transitory concerns to come. happy thanksgiving week.
what an exhausting trip. i really think i should have stayed there through thanksgiving, because i hardly got to spend enough time with the people i went to visit to make up for 3-6 years of not seeing them. saw a lot of art shows, notably richard prince at the guggenheim, charlie ray at matthew marks, charline von heyl at friedrich petzel, isaac julien at metro pictures, blah, blah, blah. i did other things too.
after a lot of drama at my school, i am officially "replaced." i confronted the bitchy-office-manager-who-hates-me on a phone call on friday telling me casually that i have been replaced and to not come back to that classroom. like if i didn't call, they would not have told me. how professional. i honestly can't say i'm too surprised though, because i'll be gone working for rosamund felsen for the next couple weeks too...
more substantive and less transitory concerns to come. happy thanksgiving week.
Tuesday, November 06, 2007
boots of spanish leather
so, it's coming to an end my friends. my days of teaching at audubon middle are over.
it was mutual really, and truly their loss (it always is), but they've let me go.
alright, i'm being intentionally overly dramatic about this. but basically, since i'm taking the week off next week and then i'm taking TWO weeks off after that, they implied today that they don't want me to be there anymore if i miss so much time. even though they have work to do when i'm gone, and through the end of november through mid december, they don't want me to be back and forth. so when come back from new york i will resign.
as inhuman as this sounds, i'm not really that sad. because i am a heartless warrior, with the grit of a lion, ruthless, strident, self-indulgent. but also because i won't be sorry to say goodbye to all the injustices and apathetic bullshit that parades at audubon and of LAUSD in general, i won't be sorry to not to IEPs, i won't be sorry to be called a devil worshipper or a white bitch (yes these both did happen). however, there are some kids i will miss, the ones i "turned around" and somehow convinced them school wasn't pure punishment, who confide and trust me. and actually do real craft projects (i went to the art class today-- nothing short of a disgrace). and i will miss a lot of the other amazing teachers i work with (there are few), and my brilliantly inspiring mood-boosting TA. but unfortunately, my loyalties lie elsewhere.
this is bizarrely tragic.
it was mutual really, and truly their loss (it always is), but they've let me go.
alright, i'm being intentionally overly dramatic about this. but basically, since i'm taking the week off next week and then i'm taking TWO weeks off after that, they implied today that they don't want me to be there anymore if i miss so much time. even though they have work to do when i'm gone, and through the end of november through mid december, they don't want me to be back and forth. so when come back from new york i will resign.
as inhuman as this sounds, i'm not really that sad. because i am a heartless warrior, with the grit of a lion, ruthless, strident, self-indulgent. but also because i won't be sorry to say goodbye to all the injustices and apathetic bullshit that parades at audubon and of LAUSD in general, i won't be sorry to not to IEPs, i won't be sorry to be called a devil worshipper or a white bitch (yes these both did happen). however, there are some kids i will miss, the ones i "turned around" and somehow convinced them school wasn't pure punishment, who confide and trust me. and actually do real craft projects (i went to the art class today-- nothing short of a disgrace). and i will miss a lot of the other amazing teachers i work with (there are few), and my brilliantly inspiring mood-boosting TA. but unfortunately, my loyalties lie elsewhere.
this is bizarrely tragic.
Friday, November 02, 2007
no bagging
i really can't complain about my life. i have the most flexible job ever that pays more than decent, i have a workable studio, i have fabulous friends, and i'm not in a wheelchair. today, i just decided to take the day off work to enjoy it all.
i just want to revel. revelrevelletmerevel.
although i still hate cleaning my room.
my roommate comes back in a few days so i'm raiding more of his cds. i dont know why i'm feeling so secretive about it, because he gave me permission. i feel like a kid in a candy store looking at all those cds accumulated when you are 32 in year 2007 because for so long there was no downloading. and all the old classics. i got some shocking blue, old royal trux, francoise hardy, glenn branca, lou reed, things that are classic that i would feel weird buying at amoeba because i feel like i should already own them. only if there was technology to easily press all mp3s onto vinyl. oh, fantasies.
i just want to revel. revelrevelletmerevel.
although i still hate cleaning my room.
my roommate comes back in a few days so i'm raiding more of his cds. i dont know why i'm feeling so secretive about it, because he gave me permission. i feel like a kid in a candy store looking at all those cds accumulated when you are 32 in year 2007 because for so long there was no downloading. and all the old classics. i got some shocking blue, old royal trux, francoise hardy, glenn branca, lou reed, things that are classic that i would feel weird buying at amoeba because i feel like i should already own them. only if there was technology to easily press all mp3s onto vinyl. oh, fantasies.
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
simple seethers
something i hate: during the lull of the midnight hour and listening to the hush of cars rushing by, the occasional dragster races by. it's the most piercingly irritating sound at night.
fuck, there go by two more. and i hear another one coming. fuck this jungle sometimes.
fuck, there go by two more. and i hear another one coming. fuck this jungle sometimes.
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
i live in an apartment on the 99th floor of my block
one of my most peculiar habits is the urge to spend when i'm broke. and i'm not one of those people perpetually broke-- my life is fairly at an average pace, meager in the big picture but substaincial in my world. but when i'm down to my last dollar, i just want to fucking splurge. i don't know where it comes from. denial maybe? a reaction to the stress being broke induces? i don't incur debt (anymore), but it's still ridiculous. like, if i'm going to break even at the end of the month for whatever reason, i'll make sure it's EXACTLY FUCKING EVEN. another habit: obsessive evenness/literal reality.
i was going to start writing about one of my best traits to counter the poor reflection i've already given myself in this post, but i'm curious about this "literal reality." my dad (who everyone diagnosed in my family with asperger's) had a very literal hold on reality. broke meant $0. grocery shopping at 3am meant 3am... exactly. thinking patterns in time generally progresses in a systemic way. this can get annoying. also charming, but definitely frustrating when expectations are not met. although i'm not as bad as my dad (his case estranged many people), i have traces of it-- everything in my private life/personal domestic life works on a schedule that i naturally make myself. par example, go home after work, rest for exactly one point five hours, shower, work for 4 or so hours, eat for point seven five hours, shower, in bed at 11 or 1130 to the minute. of course this sounds really insane and boring, but left to my own devices and solitude, this is pleasurable to me. encourages my workaholic mentality. but of course as i've grown older, i realize that doing this is not always "cool" (but always productive!) and trained myself to work myself out of the kinks of my schedule, as much as it sometimes pain the neurotic in me. but it's the only way to feel incorporated into the real world. but conversely, my private scheduling curates my savory "inner life."
but moving on to another aspie trait, a much more pleasant one in my opinion, and somewhat of a cursed blessing, and touching back to what i originally started talking about in this post (and and and and....), is my ability to utterly ignore reality and real responsiblity, mainly financial and anything socially binding. also an inherited trait. for example: debts and harrassments from the bank never bother me, bills are meaningless, money is nothing, jobs are useless, everything is harmless, love is all. not on the normal "i'm ignorant about the world and everything sucks" way, but in a much deeper, recoiling, antisocial, escapist way. this is something i always constantly have to train myself to pull away from, this dirty habit, because as i'm growing into a responsible adult (ha!), these things don't fly and instead stick to your credit score (which i can already tell one day will never matter to me, and never mattered to my dad-- a renter for life). i hope being aware of this now and seeing images of the years upon years of unopened bills my dad accumulated over the years on the top shelf of his office growing up (can you say fire hazard?), that won't be me. and even as a result of his neglectful habits, he also neglected good things too pertaining to the real world, such as growing stocks and dividends from general electric from like, over 30 years ago, which my mom is still dealing with until this very day, getting the refunds for them one by one.
hmm, i wonder... maybe i have asperger's?
i think i should really try to write a book about my dad.
i was going to start writing about one of my best traits to counter the poor reflection i've already given myself in this post, but i'm curious about this "literal reality." my dad (who everyone diagnosed in my family with asperger's) had a very literal hold on reality. broke meant $0. grocery shopping at 3am meant 3am... exactly. thinking patterns in time generally progresses in a systemic way. this can get annoying. also charming, but definitely frustrating when expectations are not met. although i'm not as bad as my dad (his case estranged many people), i have traces of it-- everything in my private life/personal domestic life works on a schedule that i naturally make myself. par example, go home after work, rest for exactly one point five hours, shower, work for 4 or so hours, eat for point seven five hours, shower, in bed at 11 or 1130 to the minute. of course this sounds really insane and boring, but left to my own devices and solitude, this is pleasurable to me. encourages my workaholic mentality. but of course as i've grown older, i realize that doing this is not always "cool" (but always productive!) and trained myself to work myself out of the kinks of my schedule, as much as it sometimes pain the neurotic in me. but it's the only way to feel incorporated into the real world. but conversely, my private scheduling curates my savory "inner life."
but moving on to another aspie trait, a much more pleasant one in my opinion, and somewhat of a cursed blessing, and touching back to what i originally started talking about in this post (and and and and....), is my ability to utterly ignore reality and real responsiblity, mainly financial and anything socially binding. also an inherited trait. for example: debts and harrassments from the bank never bother me, bills are meaningless, money is nothing, jobs are useless, everything is harmless, love is all. not on the normal "i'm ignorant about the world and everything sucks" way, but in a much deeper, recoiling, antisocial, escapist way. this is something i always constantly have to train myself to pull away from, this dirty habit, because as i'm growing into a responsible adult (ha!), these things don't fly and instead stick to your credit score (which i can already tell one day will never matter to me, and never mattered to my dad-- a renter for life). i hope being aware of this now and seeing images of the years upon years of unopened bills my dad accumulated over the years on the top shelf of his office growing up (can you say fire hazard?), that won't be me. and even as a result of his neglectful habits, he also neglected good things too pertaining to the real world, such as growing stocks and dividends from general electric from like, over 30 years ago, which my mom is still dealing with until this very day, getting the refunds for them one by one.
hmm, i wonder... maybe i have asperger's?
i think i should really try to write a book about my dad.
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
blow out
so, hello tuesday
today is one of those days where my mind is more ambitious than my body. i just completley crashed after work. i'm up now, but it's 630 and precious time gone...
anyway.
yesterday i heard nirvana on the radio several times, randomly on different stations.
i had a golden moment with a student today. marzella (no nickname), a girl who used to give me such a hard time and has more energy than anyone else in the room at a given time, came by my room during lunch on her own to eat her food and talk. it was so cute. she was tellin gme how much she likes me as a teacher, and how much she likes the class, and how she is excited she is doing well in my class and wants to keep working to get out of special ed. and knows she can have a bad attitude at times, but is working hard to not become so frustrated so easily. it was so adorable. i generally play the stone cold heartless teacher off hours, but this was too genuine to resist.
i unexpectedly received a mix cd in the mail.
my new favorite magazine is elle. i think in ways it's a lot better than vogue, because it's still high fashion and classy, but also very accessible and kind of, well, sassy. i could see myself becoming a subscriber. i also can't resist a magazine who is a fan of scarlett johansson (she' son this month's cover), because she's awesome and kind of my celebrity doppelganger. i'm a sucker, no need to tell me twice.
someone told me i should write a song about how the rainbow sticker i left on my bedroom window is still there after all these years.
today is one of those days where my mind is more ambitious than my body. i just completley crashed after work. i'm up now, but it's 630 and precious time gone...
anyway.
yesterday i heard nirvana on the radio several times, randomly on different stations.
i had a golden moment with a student today. marzella (no nickname), a girl who used to give me such a hard time and has more energy than anyone else in the room at a given time, came by my room during lunch on her own to eat her food and talk. it was so cute. she was tellin gme how much she likes me as a teacher, and how much she likes the class, and how she is excited she is doing well in my class and wants to keep working to get out of special ed. and knows she can have a bad attitude at times, but is working hard to not become so frustrated so easily. it was so adorable. i generally play the stone cold heartless teacher off hours, but this was too genuine to resist.
i unexpectedly received a mix cd in the mail.
my new favorite magazine is elle. i think in ways it's a lot better than vogue, because it's still high fashion and classy, but also very accessible and kind of, well, sassy. i could see myself becoming a subscriber. i also can't resist a magazine who is a fan of scarlett johansson (she' son this month's cover), because she's awesome and kind of my celebrity doppelganger. i'm a sucker, no need to tell me twice.
someone told me i should write a song about how the rainbow sticker i left on my bedroom window is still there after all these years.
Thursday, October 18, 2007
low/moderate substance
it's been a while since i've blogged. it's also been a while since i had a free moment to myself (serious). which is why now free time=blog. here are some updates:
-
wait. i think mostly what i've been doing is partying. you can't talk about partying as an "update." other than that, here is the material things that have happened:
- got a job gallery sitting at rosamund felsen in december for a week, which is totally awesome.
- wandered into a party and scored ton of expensive party schwag, which included a $50 spa powder wrap and drinkable skincare water. yep.
- taking the day off today to play hooky (it's back-to-school night-- oops!)
- going to NYC nov 10-17. that is pretty momentous.
i also found some wheat free fig newtons at whole foods last night which i have eaten in succession
i'm just gonna wait until the next blog update to write something of substance. i have too much to do today. oh, and if you're interested, start reading wicked and join susie and i's book club.
-
wait. i think mostly what i've been doing is partying. you can't talk about partying as an "update." other than that, here is the material things that have happened:
- got a job gallery sitting at rosamund felsen in december for a week, which is totally awesome.
- wandered into a party and scored ton of expensive party schwag, which included a $50 spa powder wrap and drinkable skincare water. yep.
- taking the day off today to play hooky (it's back-to-school night-- oops!)
- going to NYC nov 10-17. that is pretty momentous.
i also found some wheat free fig newtons at whole foods last night which i have eaten in succession
i'm just gonna wait until the next blog update to write something of substance. i have too much to do today. oh, and if you're interested, start reading wicked and join susie and i's book club.
Friday, October 12, 2007
shady greys in a friday haze
hello to friday!
tgif.
i went into james' room to borrow some cds to avoid a trip to amoeba. such a good idea! i have a stack of 20 new cds to listen to!
today was a fine day. fine, not as in "good," but as in "fine." meaning, not a whole lot done. at all. yet.
i'd say a lot of my time after work has been wasted as to whether or not to go around town and see art shows. now that it's too late, i guess not. better to go tomorrow, and maybe i'll get some work done tonight.
now that i've been doing this yoga my appetite is RAVENOUS. i eat a lot now. it's so bizarre. also, probably a good thing. my body has become so toned, it's kind of a foreign feeling to me. all good i say, all good.
today i started reading cat's cradle by kurt vonnegut. i started reading about 2 years ago and didn't like it, at all. i've tried reading vonnegut a few times, bt the only sotry i like is the short story "harrison bergeron" (which theyre making into a movie!). so far though, i'm liking cat's cradle.
i joined goodreads.com. join it it's awesome.
tgif.
i went into james' room to borrow some cds to avoid a trip to amoeba. such a good idea! i have a stack of 20 new cds to listen to!
today was a fine day. fine, not as in "good," but as in "fine." meaning, not a whole lot done. at all. yet.
i'd say a lot of my time after work has been wasted as to whether or not to go around town and see art shows. now that it's too late, i guess not. better to go tomorrow, and maybe i'll get some work done tonight.
now that i've been doing this yoga my appetite is RAVENOUS. i eat a lot now. it's so bizarre. also, probably a good thing. my body has become so toned, it's kind of a foreign feeling to me. all good i say, all good.
today i started reading cat's cradle by kurt vonnegut. i started reading about 2 years ago and didn't like it, at all. i've tried reading vonnegut a few times, bt the only sotry i like is the short story "harrison bergeron" (which theyre making into a movie!). so far though, i'm liking cat's cradle.
i joined goodreads.com. join it it's awesome.
Tuesday, October 09, 2007
love hurts
jesus, i just encountered my first credit card cancelling experience.
i've had this citicard that i paid off all the balance of and i haven't used for months. i even cut it up, just never closed it. so i finally get arond to closing it today. i called customer service and this is what happened:
them: hello, how are you doing ma'am are you okay today? (heavy, thick accent)
me: i'm fine. thanks.
them: what can we do for you?
me: i'd like to cancel my card.
them: why? ourbankissogretwehavelowinererstrateasdhjaksdhboomshakala?
me: (not being able to fully understand) uh, i just want to cancel and close the card please.
them: okay. let me transfer you to an expert. (puts me on hold)
me: hi, i want to cancel my card.
them: okay can i ask why? after 3 years, why?
me: i haven't used it in months. i cut it up. i have a new card. i want to cancel this one.
them: but WHY?! WEHAVETHEBESTPLANEVERLOWEESTINTERESTRATE82U48PERCENT8ERIUPERCENTRATEURH!
me: i don't want it. i have a new card. i want to cancel this one. it's been cut up for months.
them: but WHY?! WEHAVETHEBESTPLANEVERLOWEESTINTERESTRATE82U48PERCENT8ERIUPERCENTRATEURH!
me: i want to cancel it.
them: but WHY?! WEHAVETHEBESTPLANEVERLOWEESTINTERESTRATE82U48PERCENT8ERIUPERCENTRATEURH!
me: i want to cancel it.
them: ALRIGHT BYE
i swear that's how it ended.
breaking up ain't easy.
i've had this citicard that i paid off all the balance of and i haven't used for months. i even cut it up, just never closed it. so i finally get arond to closing it today. i called customer service and this is what happened:
them: hello, how are you doing ma'am are you okay today? (heavy, thick accent)
me: i'm fine. thanks.
them: what can we do for you?
me: i'd like to cancel my card.
them: why? ourbankissogretwehavelowinererstrateasdhjaksdhboomshakala?
me: (not being able to fully understand) uh, i just want to cancel and close the card please.
them: okay. let me transfer you to an expert. (puts me on hold)
me: hi, i want to cancel my card.
them: okay can i ask why? after 3 years, why?
me: i haven't used it in months. i cut it up. i have a new card. i want to cancel this one.
them: but WHY?! WEHAVETHEBESTPLANEVERLOWEESTINTERESTRATE82U48PERCENT8ERIUPERCENTRATEURH!
me: i don't want it. i have a new card. i want to cancel this one. it's been cut up for months.
them: but WHY?! WEHAVETHEBESTPLANEVERLOWEESTINTERESTRATE82U48PERCENT8ERIUPERCENTRATEURH!
me: i want to cancel it.
them: but WHY?! WEHAVETHEBESTPLANEVERLOWEESTINTERESTRATE82U48PERCENT8ERIUPERCENTRATEURH!
me: i want to cancel it.
them: ALRIGHT BYE
i swear that's how it ended.
breaking up ain't easy.
Monday, October 08, 2007
be the brave one
so, back from san francisco. as of tonight.
although i had a good trip, a part of me thinks it wasn't totally necessary, as i think it didn't do me much good as far as relaxing goes asie from a change of scenery and eating well (consistently eating well goes a long way, however). it wasn't necessarily stressful to be away from home, and it was good to hang out. i guess it just felt short.
bill callahan/smog was good, very touching, quite amazing, but my one criticism that was very distracting was that damned violin that he had play on ALL the songs, even if it wasn't originally composed into them. it totally ruined the crucial stringy, delicate vibes of the originals. he is such a stud. we missed sir richard bishop unfortunatley due to matt's laziness. and spread the laziness to everyone but me. but mE!
also saw into the wild, the new sean penn. since a lot of people don't know much about the plot, i won't say anything to the one person who i know reads this blog, and she probably already knows a lot about the movie already, so it doesn't really matter. BUt, but, i will still stay mum and say that it's a great movie, and you should see it.
since i've become so accustomed to san francisco and my life there, it gets a little boring. maybe i need not to go as much. i need to pay more attention to my friends here. and i realized that i kind o do more fit in with my friends here than with the people i know there. maybe because i'm more used to them here. no, forget i said that. they are all great. they are all fabulous. everyone is fabulous. like michaela mentioned today, "i'm beginning to like people now." word.
so now i have a lot to come back to here-- my slightly growing but forver will be stunted mode of growth at my job that pays well and allows me freedom, painting up a storm, going out and being more ambitious, staying directed, etc. i'm feeling the good vibes and i'm not going to let things get in my way. i want to feel it all.
but for now i have to face the immediate problems i have: cleaning up my shit. too bad i was too lazy/kind of drunk of a fuck the night before i left and didn't have time to clean up my space, and now i hope i don't have fruit flies everywhere. um don't ask.
basically, it's good to be back.
although i had a good trip, a part of me thinks it wasn't totally necessary, as i think it didn't do me much good as far as relaxing goes asie from a change of scenery and eating well (consistently eating well goes a long way, however). it wasn't necessarily stressful to be away from home, and it was good to hang out. i guess it just felt short.
bill callahan/smog was good, very touching, quite amazing, but my one criticism that was very distracting was that damned violin that he had play on ALL the songs, even if it wasn't originally composed into them. it totally ruined the crucial stringy, delicate vibes of the originals. he is such a stud. we missed sir richard bishop unfortunatley due to matt's laziness. and spread the laziness to everyone but me. but mE!
also saw into the wild, the new sean penn. since a lot of people don't know much about the plot, i won't say anything to the one person who i know reads this blog, and she probably already knows a lot about the movie already, so it doesn't really matter. BUt, but, i will still stay mum and say that it's a great movie, and you should see it.
since i've become so accustomed to san francisco and my life there, it gets a little boring. maybe i need not to go as much. i need to pay more attention to my friends here. and i realized that i kind o do more fit in with my friends here than with the people i know there. maybe because i'm more used to them here. no, forget i said that. they are all great. they are all fabulous. everyone is fabulous. like michaela mentioned today, "i'm beginning to like people now." word.
so now i have a lot to come back to here-- my slightly growing but forver will be stunted mode of growth at my job that pays well and allows me freedom, painting up a storm, going out and being more ambitious, staying directed, etc. i'm feeling the good vibes and i'm not going to let things get in my way. i want to feel it all.
but for now i have to face the immediate problems i have: cleaning up my shit. too bad i was too lazy/kind of drunk of a fuck the night before i left and didn't have time to clean up my space, and now i hope i don't have fruit flies everywhere. um don't ask.
basically, it's good to be back.
Wednesday, October 03, 2007
the days are long and the nights are too short
as annie and i discussed, venting about work really helps. so i am going to write a short essay summarizing the course of my average work day:
755am: arrive. check in the main office, sign the same substitute roll sheet, get my ISIS password, keys. check my box (yes i have my own box). 95% the box is full of stuff that is not relevant to me. grab a free LA Times and head to my no-homeroom classroom.
811am, period 1: period 1, aka The Grumpy Gangsters, featuring the students Lazy, Defiant, Ugly Mouth, Bad Mouth and SuperUgly. even at 811 in the morning, these kids still manage to spit some of the worst attitude youve ever heard. and they're only 12. and there's only 5 of them. and they are just like i call them-- they are grumpy, because they hate my class and school in general (and make it very known), and act like gangsters (talking in slang, slurring, lots of "oh mah GAWD," "*psssch*" and limp walking, sometimes stomping). lots of talking back. the kids in these class are notorious for being problem children.
911, period 2: these kids are a total 180 from period 1. they are angels. all girls, one of them named sunshine. dying to impress. if every student were like them, mre teachers would be in schools.
1010-130am: MY BREAK
1138-1213am, period 4: these kids are always really dirty. two tomboy girls and a boy who mumbles ALL THE TIME. at least they do their work, and are sorta smart, but their jokes are so not funny. it's usually cake.
1213-1250: LUNCH BREAK, or naptime for me.
1253-150pm, period 5: four rowdy boys. they are always sweaty and hyper. at least they are not gangster though, theyre pretty naive. i give them legos for the day if i don't want them to bother me. just medicate, medicate, medicate the soul.
153-251pm, period 6: these kids get detention all the time. they are really sweet but they just don't listen. i have a really dumb girl in this class. i mean, she is so dumb, she has no idea. she knows how to beat up on kids though and start gossip. i made her cry yesterday because i gave her detention for pouring glue on another student.
then i go home.
now that i've written all this stuff about work i dont want to talk about it anymore.
talk to you later.
755am: arrive. check in the main office, sign the same substitute roll sheet, get my ISIS password, keys. check my box (yes i have my own box). 95% the box is full of stuff that is not relevant to me. grab a free LA Times and head to my no-homeroom classroom.
811am, period 1: period 1, aka The Grumpy Gangsters, featuring the students Lazy, Defiant, Ugly Mouth, Bad Mouth and SuperUgly. even at 811 in the morning, these kids still manage to spit some of the worst attitude youve ever heard. and they're only 12. and there's only 5 of them. and they are just like i call them-- they are grumpy, because they hate my class and school in general (and make it very known), and act like gangsters (talking in slang, slurring, lots of "oh mah GAWD," "*psssch*" and limp walking, sometimes stomping). lots of talking back. the kids in these class are notorious for being problem children.
911, period 2: these kids are a total 180 from period 1. they are angels. all girls, one of them named sunshine. dying to impress. if every student were like them, mre teachers would be in schools.
1010-130am: MY BREAK
1138-1213am, period 4: these kids are always really dirty. two tomboy girls and a boy who mumbles ALL THE TIME. at least they do their work, and are sorta smart, but their jokes are so not funny. it's usually cake.
1213-1250: LUNCH BREAK, or naptime for me.
1253-150pm, period 5: four rowdy boys. they are always sweaty and hyper. at least they are not gangster though, theyre pretty naive. i give them legos for the day if i don't want them to bother me. just medicate, medicate, medicate the soul.
153-251pm, period 6: these kids get detention all the time. they are really sweet but they just don't listen. i have a really dumb girl in this class. i mean, she is so dumb, she has no idea. she knows how to beat up on kids though and start gossip. i made her cry yesterday because i gave her detention for pouring glue on another student.
then i go home.
now that i've written all this stuff about work i dont want to talk about it anymore.
talk to you later.
Sunday, September 30, 2007
i'm yr long-haired lady
this week is one of those really poor ones.
after having let myself loose for over a month of no work, the end of the month is near and rent is motherfuckin' due. i have just enough, just barely to see me and my ass through until after i get back from SF. but that means purely el farlito burritos for me. once a day. which is fine.
today was a semi productive day in the studio. felt kinda tired all day. went to sleep feeling slightly ill last night, but had fun when i went out. finished up a painting. but now i want to go run an errand in silverlake but i can't because i don't have enough money for gas to get there and also to pay for my birth control. ugh. so annoying.
paydaypayday is on friiiiiiiiiiiiday hallelujah!
i finally found the shampoo i bought in point reyes station like two months ago. hidden the trunk of my car. why am i so sluggish today? maybe i'm not meant to do much today except watch cache, and maybe do some reading.
i had a really weird dream. briefly. susie and i were modifying my dresses and she cut one of them very short and asked to dye it, but i told her the silky synthetic fabrice probably wouldn't take to dye that well, and also, it didn't need it. i also tod her i wanted to hem my other dress and she just kinda looked like EW, that dress is so disgusting! and i put it on for her to cut bt instead she almost started cutting the neckline, and i was like no! i like the neckline! and then she rolled her eyes and said ugh okay, i'll cut what you want me to.
yeah that was a lame brief dream, i know.
after having let myself loose for over a month of no work, the end of the month is near and rent is motherfuckin' due. i have just enough, just barely to see me and my ass through until after i get back from SF. but that means purely el farlito burritos for me. once a day. which is fine.
today was a semi productive day in the studio. felt kinda tired all day. went to sleep feeling slightly ill last night, but had fun when i went out. finished up a painting. but now i want to go run an errand in silverlake but i can't because i don't have enough money for gas to get there and also to pay for my birth control. ugh. so annoying.
paydaypayday is on friiiiiiiiiiiiday hallelujah!
i finally found the shampoo i bought in point reyes station like two months ago. hidden the trunk of my car. why am i so sluggish today? maybe i'm not meant to do much today except watch cache, and maybe do some reading.
i had a really weird dream. briefly. susie and i were modifying my dresses and she cut one of them very short and asked to dye it, but i told her the silky synthetic fabrice probably wouldn't take to dye that well, and also, it didn't need it. i also tod her i wanted to hem my other dress and she just kinda looked like EW, that dress is so disgusting! and i put it on for her to cut bt instead she almost started cutting the neckline, and i was like no! i like the neckline! and then she rolled her eyes and said ugh okay, i'll cut what you want me to.
yeah that was a lame brief dream, i know.
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
he's my brandy alexander, always gets me into trouble
in the past few weeks, i've made an effort to excite my weekda routine, and so far, it's working. the staples of the week are wednesday (yoga in the evening, movie), and thursday (dinner with friends and tv). it's something i never did very much, doing anything but eating and sleeping on the weekdays when i had to work... never very spruced. now i look forward to the weekdays, to my wednesday when i go to yoga and forget about my world, go home and relax; and thursday when i get to get out of my house and indulge willfully in fluffy television and camraderie.
all of this weekend activity i think is really contributing to my fairly good state of mind. aside from the conflicting emotions i'm having about my job (everyday i feel like i want it as my last day, but then i think twice about all the benefits i take for granted), i really have it good. i'm reconnecting with friends, roommates, with my art, myself. it's great.
but of course, there are those problems that will never leave you.
if there is one thing i lament, it's my lack of cooking these days. my current kitchen is anything but conducive to catering. enough for a basic rice and veggie dishes, but not for an hour long sesh of cooking craziness like i used to do, bastardized vindaloo's and boiled chicken and green beans, lemon curd tart and zucchini carob bread. time has become an issue too. i have little excuses to waste time, because i have a studio, a fabulous one at that; i have all i want/need. i'd rather go shopping with that time.
all of this weekend activity i think is really contributing to my fairly good state of mind. aside from the conflicting emotions i'm having about my job (everyday i feel like i want it as my last day, but then i think twice about all the benefits i take for granted), i really have it good. i'm reconnecting with friends, roommates, with my art, myself. it's great.
but of course, there are those problems that will never leave you.
if there is one thing i lament, it's my lack of cooking these days. my current kitchen is anything but conducive to catering. enough for a basic rice and veggie dishes, but not for an hour long sesh of cooking craziness like i used to do, bastardized vindaloo's and boiled chicken and green beans, lemon curd tart and zucchini carob bread. time has become an issue too. i have little excuses to waste time, because i have a studio, a fabulous one at that; i have all i want/need. i'd rather go shopping with that time.
Monday, September 17, 2007
my little corner of crenshaw
today, when i was at office depot, the male (and i think gay) black cashier called me "ma'am." i lived in a predominantly black neighborhood, and this happens almost any time i make a trip to my favorite walgreens or goodwill. i guess i never really paid it much mind before. but then i thought, what's going on here? this is kind of a backwards, old fashioned southern-tipped neighborhood, so is this what i really think it is? it's this some black-white courtesy shit going on here? am i called a "ma'am" because i am a white chick?
i could be totally reading into this (probably am), but it weirded me out. i guess i shouldn't be too surprised if it's true. the world is still really backwards, especially in economically depressed areas, regardless of how charming they may be. granted, you still have your fair share of haters ("white BITCH... white BITCH..."), there are also the elderly men and women, and sometimes younger, that tip their hat to ya.
i won't let it get to me. i love this area despite all it's faults. i actually love it for it's flaws. cruising down jefferson is one of the most inspiring drives for me in all of los angeles. so many abonded shops, decaying signage, vibrant colors, old tags and newer graffiti, crude an dying jet beautiful foliage; it's all just so fucking poetic. i love having my studio around here.
however. when it comes to living here AND working here, it's becoming a bit much-- i am at my wit's end seeing the seedy underbelly of the state of our union. it's real, very real, and i think it's too much realness for me. i've had my experience, done my time, but it ain't really my jam anymore.
i could be totally reading into this (probably am), but it weirded me out. i guess i shouldn't be too surprised if it's true. the world is still really backwards, especially in economically depressed areas, regardless of how charming they may be. granted, you still have your fair share of haters ("white BITCH... white BITCH..."), there are also the elderly men and women, and sometimes younger, that tip their hat to ya.
i won't let it get to me. i love this area despite all it's faults. i actually love it for it's flaws. cruising down jefferson is one of the most inspiring drives for me in all of los angeles. so many abonded shops, decaying signage, vibrant colors, old tags and newer graffiti, crude an dying jet beautiful foliage; it's all just so fucking poetic. i love having my studio around here.
however. when it comes to living here AND working here, it's becoming a bit much-- i am at my wit's end seeing the seedy underbelly of the state of our union. it's real, very real, and i think it's too much realness for me. i've had my experience, done my time, but it ain't really my jam anymore.
Friday, September 14, 2007
sooo sally can waaaaaiiit
i have ten nine minutes to kill before i have to hop back in the car and go to work.
not a whole lot to blog about. just havent blogged in a while.
i know i have said this before, for years now, but really, really, all i really want is to be mary poppins.
not a whole lot to blog about. just havent blogged in a while.
i know i have said this before, for years now, but really, really, all i really want is to be mary poppins.
Sunday, September 09, 2007
i've been sweepin' up the tips i made, been living off gatorade
i haven't been feeling very social lately. i guess that's the only rationale i can think of. the idea of going out is appealing, most of the time, and seeing friends is, most of the time, but when i go out i'll just wimp out early. or i guess that's just this weekend. whatever. i just have so much on my mind and a fast approaching deadline. so yeah, i guess that's enough to make anyone feel the way i do.
i guess in the winter this feeling will pass.
last night in my dream i was walking around in the street and wanted to take my bobby pins out of my hair, and so i did, except that when i was done i had a fistful of like, 30 bobby pins. i also dreamt that i woke up and thought it was a monday and couldn't find a clock and was asking everyone around me what time it was but no one could. and then someon told me it was 815am and thinking it was a monday i was thinkig about how i would be late for work. but i realized today was sunday. the weekend isn't totally gone.
i guess in the winter this feeling will pass.
last night in my dream i was walking around in the street and wanted to take my bobby pins out of my hair, and so i did, except that when i was done i had a fistful of like, 30 bobby pins. i also dreamt that i woke up and thought it was a monday and couldn't find a clock and was asking everyone around me what time it was but no one could. and then someon told me it was 815am and thinking it was a monday i was thinkig about how i would be late for work. but i realized today was sunday. the weekend isn't totally gone.
Friday, September 07, 2007
on the run
so here comes the weekend. first weekend of the school year. first step of decompression-- blogging.
decompressing is so important. we take for granted that time needed to just unwind to try to do other things with it. even if your job is close to mindless (kinda like mine in a way), everyone needs a little time to get back to themselves. blogging, despite the focus required to do it, is like that for me sometimes. i wish i could blog at school, damn fucking firewalls and slow computers.
so it looks like i'll be teaching in a room for a month, or maybe more. maybe i'll be the ever coveted long term sub. that would be really crazy. i don't know if i'm up for that responsibility of grading papers and whatnot, but yet again i realized that i am teaching a special ed science class, with another person, with no more than 5 kids in a room at a time. so um, yeah.
what elsei'maaaaaaaammmmmmmmmmmmm
decompressing is so important. we take for granted that time needed to just unwind to try to do other things with it. even if your job is close to mindless (kinda like mine in a way), everyone needs a little time to get back to themselves. blogging, despite the focus required to do it, is like that for me sometimes. i wish i could blog at school, damn fucking firewalls and slow computers.
so it looks like i'll be teaching in a room for a month, or maybe more. maybe i'll be the ever coveted long term sub. that would be really crazy. i don't know if i'm up for that responsibility of grading papers and whatnot, but yet again i realized that i am teaching a special ed science class, with another person, with no more than 5 kids in a room at a time. so um, yeah.
what elsei'maaaaaaaammmmmmmmmmmmm
Wednesday, September 05, 2007
back giving it to the man
today i unexpectedly had my first day of work with LA unified. I don't know how it happens, but i always get randomly selected to work at audubon (or perhaps someone is secretly requesting me over there? i doubt theyre that organized). the only reason why i work at audubon because it's a 5min drive from home. i have been currently blessed with an awesome class situation where i don't have to do jack SHIT in terms of discipline. thank god. and i only have like 3 kids per class. and i have an aid who has been ther eforever and a rad teacher next door. so all things considered, i have it pretty good. and because it's the first day of school i might be in that room for a while too (cheers for routine and stable work. and full power a/c).
my studio is currently a pants free zone!!! no pants allowed. this mid level heat bugs. it's cool outside, possible too cool for a/c and too hot to bear without it. dilemma dilemma. will take cold shower.
i really like this artist Martin Boyce. also a big big fan of Thomas Scheibitz. last night i had this overwhelming feeling of not wanting to move from LA. maybe it was the really bland chris burden interview in the new ANP quarterly that somehow influenced me, but there is a calm about this city that i for sure must take for granted. and the unique structure and culture of it. i mean, i guess i can always come back. right? is that a good thing though? is that a smart move? who knoooows. who knows about these things. i just, i don't know. i have a lot of anxiety entering this whole process. maybe i won't get in anywhere and i won't have to deal with this. maybe this means i'm not ready. but i feel i am ready, i have a desire to know more about art and painting and i need to learn.
sometimes we just have to let ourselves be unhappy to be happy again.
my studio is currently a pants free zone!!! no pants allowed. this mid level heat bugs. it's cool outside, possible too cool for a/c and too hot to bear without it. dilemma dilemma. will take cold shower.
i really like this artist Martin Boyce. also a big big fan of Thomas Scheibitz. last night i had this overwhelming feeling of not wanting to move from LA. maybe it was the really bland chris burden interview in the new ANP quarterly that somehow influenced me, but there is a calm about this city that i for sure must take for granted. and the unique structure and culture of it. i mean, i guess i can always come back. right? is that a good thing though? is that a smart move? who knoooows. who knows about these things. i just, i don't know. i have a lot of anxiety entering this whole process. maybe i won't get in anywhere and i won't have to deal with this. maybe this means i'm not ready. but i feel i am ready, i have a desire to know more about art and painting and i need to learn.
sometimes we just have to let ourselves be unhappy to be happy again.
Tuesday, September 04, 2007
I have a two-prong outlet on my forehead
that headline was saved as a cookie on my mom's computer... i wonder where that came from.
it's 130 and i'm going to have to get my day started soon. it's been nice to ward off the heat in the comfort of my mom's central air. however, eventually i have to head back home. there is always work to be done. i am a workaholic. i always have to be working. things must always get better. busy busy busy, think think think, progress work grow pass out. the story of my life.
lately i have been constantly famished. i think the actually culprit is serious dehydration. like, serious dehydration. wouldn't be surprised, because i'm already horrible at it, and the days have been so hot that i'm probably a lot more parched than i know. gotta keep drinking electrolytes.
this is a REALLY boring blog entry. blah blah blah, just a catalyst to get my day started right?
so here's a fact: venice (as in italy) became a world empire thousands of years ago because it managed to control the salt trade (it imposed a tariff on it). and, kosher salt is better to cook with than regualr iodized/table salt because the crystals are flat and they absorb into the food quicker. rock salt can be recycled for use over and over again (if used for baking). when salt interacts with the tongue, it makes a electric reaction that enhances the flavor of the food more. if you are stranded on a desert isle and you don't have a lot of freshwater, adding 1/3 salt water to your freshwater supply will extend the use of the freshwater in your body, forcing it to retain more water because it has to retain the salt.
INTERESTING!!!!!
it's 130 and i'm going to have to get my day started soon. it's been nice to ward off the heat in the comfort of my mom's central air. however, eventually i have to head back home. there is always work to be done. i am a workaholic. i always have to be working. things must always get better. busy busy busy, think think think, progress work grow pass out. the story of my life.
lately i have been constantly famished. i think the actually culprit is serious dehydration. like, serious dehydration. wouldn't be surprised, because i'm already horrible at it, and the days have been so hot that i'm probably a lot more parched than i know. gotta keep drinking electrolytes.
this is a REALLY boring blog entry. blah blah blah, just a catalyst to get my day started right?
so here's a fact: venice (as in italy) became a world empire thousands of years ago because it managed to control the salt trade (it imposed a tariff on it). and, kosher salt is better to cook with than regualr iodized/table salt because the crystals are flat and they absorb into the food quicker. rock salt can be recycled for use over and over again (if used for baking). when salt interacts with the tongue, it makes a electric reaction that enhances the flavor of the food more. if you are stranded on a desert isle and you don't have a lot of freshwater, adding 1/3 salt water to your freshwater supply will extend the use of the freshwater in your body, forcing it to retain more water because it has to retain the salt.
INTERESTING!!!!!
Monday, September 03, 2007
heat thriller.
what a weekend!
friday: put together a bookshelf. not that thrilling but relaxing and productive. sister becky came into town and we had a fabulous dinner.
saturday: was very productive all day in the studio and went to my moms house to take care of phoebe and sleep through a shit movie (avenue montaingenen-- just aWFUL)
sunday: fun! went to ooga booga party. bought a really great record (as per recommended by alexa), the new cabinet mag, and a free new anp. then i went to the echo to see the chromatics (awesome) and was hit on by RYAN GOSLING. that's right everyone. RYAN MOTHERFUCKING GOSLING. but in my starstruck/thinking about having sex with him stupor, i couldn't encounter much of a conversation. then he left. what a lost opportunity!!! well, i coulda had it. coulda had that ass.
today: had a studio visit with bart. went very well. bought some tyvek and gesso online. got approval from an elusive and coveted professor to write my recommendation for grad. now i have all three recs ready!! so excited. so ecstatic. scared.
sigh. my roommates will hate me next month for racking up the a/c bill. whatever man. my supplies are literally melting on the floor! damn you sculptors.
friday: put together a bookshelf. not that thrilling but relaxing and productive. sister becky came into town and we had a fabulous dinner.
saturday: was very productive all day in the studio and went to my moms house to take care of phoebe and sleep through a shit movie (avenue montaingenen-- just aWFUL)
sunday: fun! went to ooga booga party. bought a really great record (as per recommended by alexa), the new cabinet mag, and a free new anp. then i went to the echo to see the chromatics (awesome) and was hit on by RYAN GOSLING. that's right everyone. RYAN MOTHERFUCKING GOSLING. but in my starstruck/thinking about having sex with him stupor, i couldn't encounter much of a conversation. then he left. what a lost opportunity!!! well, i coulda had it. coulda had that ass.
today: had a studio visit with bart. went very well. bought some tyvek and gesso online. got approval from an elusive and coveted professor to write my recommendation for grad. now i have all three recs ready!! so excited. so ecstatic. scared.
sigh. my roommates will hate me next month for racking up the a/c bill. whatever man. my supplies are literally melting on the floor! damn you sculptors.
Saturday, September 01, 2007
panging
just a quickie before i have to get my day started.
am really nervous about applying to grad school. am having major insecurities that i am simply not good enough. why is my art so weird? why is it so crude? ugh. it's so annoying. i wish it was all easier. i'm still applying anyway though, i mean, what the hell. i have nothing to lose. if i don't get in i just work in my awesome studio again next year and that will be fine too.
i didn't sleep at all much last night. i feel a little out of sorts. wanna get some painting and lots of drawing done too-daygay. today is gay. just kidding haayyy.
need coffee.
worried. >:[
am really nervous about applying to grad school. am having major insecurities that i am simply not good enough. why is my art so weird? why is it so crude? ugh. it's so annoying. i wish it was all easier. i'm still applying anyway though, i mean, what the hell. i have nothing to lose. if i don't get in i just work in my awesome studio again next year and that will be fine too.
i didn't sleep at all much last night. i feel a little out of sorts. wanna get some painting and lots of drawing done too-daygay. today is gay. just kidding haayyy.
need coffee.
worried. >:[
Friday, August 31, 2007
Thursday, August 30, 2007
home alone
i don't know why i am blogging now, as it is my bedtime and i have my first day of real work tomorrow ugggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh (and all the way in san dimas (30 miles from my home).... what was i thinking? i am so desperate for money?) good this it's labor day weekend. hey!
i think the only reason why i am blogging now is because i want to gush about my ikea experience today. as expected, it was phenomenal. i have a newly decorated room with a RUG and a BOOKSHELF! to most these are standard features in homes, but not here in the jeffersonian manor. i also got a new cushion for my chair and a wall clock. and a whole bunch of food, not from ikea. i love homes. i can't wait until i have my own.
i also made a pretty fucking awesome drawing tonight. normally i don't say these things. but i had to let someone know. grad school can you hear me knocking?
i think the only reason why i am blogging now is because i want to gush about my ikea experience today. as expected, it was phenomenal. i have a newly decorated room with a RUG and a BOOKSHELF! to most these are standard features in homes, but not here in the jeffersonian manor. i also got a new cushion for my chair and a wall clock. and a whole bunch of food, not from ikea. i love homes. i can't wait until i have my own.
i also made a pretty fucking awesome drawing tonight. normally i don't say these things. but i had to let someone know. grad school can you hear me knocking?
i dreamt i bought coffee filters last night
yesterday was such a waste that i have double the work ahead of me today.
kudos to myself for waking up at 7am...?
today i'm going to ikea. i am SO excited! i cannot wait to be swept away in idyllic scandinavian comfy DIY modernism. i haven't been there in years. most people aren't as excited to go ikea because of the huge mobs of people. but not at my secret ikea! seriously, i have a secret ikea. that's almost like saying i have a secret tattoo on my forehead. but it's true, i really do have a secret ikea. and that's how it's going to stay.
kudos to myself for waking up at 7am...?
today i'm going to ikea. i am SO excited! i cannot wait to be swept away in idyllic scandinavian comfy DIY modernism. i haven't been there in years. most people aren't as excited to go ikea because of the huge mobs of people. but not at my secret ikea! seriously, i have a secret ikea. that's almost like saying i have a secret tattoo on my forehead. but it's true, i really do have a secret ikea. and that's how it's going to stay.
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
you should listen to paul simon. it would really make you feel better.
once again, it's nearly minutes before noon.
i would like to write an open letter to the loiterers of jefferson blvd and say, why do you have to be so loud? why do you have to drag race at all hours of the day? why are you always shouting and screaming nonsensicals? all of this shit talking and noise pollution is bringing the morale of the area down. can we have a little peace and quiet so lia can work and listen to an opera record? (really bad use of sarcasm).
anyway. nothing really to report today. i drank a little too much last night. today i am feeling it. and now because of that i'm going to force myself to workout to sweat out the toxins. this plus being on the first whole day of my period has turned me into a monster. not to forget the unbearable heat. i also don't have any food. help? where is my personal chef? oh right, i know where he is. i miss him.
i would like to write an open letter to the loiterers of jefferson blvd and say, why do you have to be so loud? why do you have to drag race at all hours of the day? why are you always shouting and screaming nonsensicals? all of this shit talking and noise pollution is bringing the morale of the area down. can we have a little peace and quiet so lia can work and listen to an opera record? (really bad use of sarcasm).
anyway. nothing really to report today. i drank a little too much last night. today i am feeling it. and now because of that i'm going to force myself to workout to sweat out the toxins. this plus being on the first whole day of my period has turned me into a monster. not to forget the unbearable heat. i also don't have any food. help? where is my personal chef? oh right, i know where he is. i miss him.
Tuesday, August 28, 2007
hands across the water, hands across the sky
today marks the third day waking up minutes before noon. a part of me really pains to feel the loss of hours of daylight, but essentially it does not affect my day's plan, which requires the darkness and silence of the night hours.
my sister and her husband are coming into town this weekend to visit my mom. they are all going to take a one day and one night trip to los osos this weekend but i refused. too much vacation, right? much too much. i have been in serious vacation mode this whole month of august. i am tired of vacationing. and i have so much catching up to do. to apply or not to apply to grad school this year? crits? reading? writing? designing? so much! and i'm excited for all of it. and now it's time to DO IT.
i feel much more professional now that i've moved my desk from inside my lost bed to outside into the unusable nook in my studio. i already feel a vast improvement in morale! i'm ready to conquer all that is before me, armed with critical terms in art history and my burgeoning, but small, record collection. fuck, i love my studio. it's the only thing that is discouraging me from applying to grad school because i know that when i'm in school my studio isn't going to be as sweet, nor is my studio when i graduate from school. i'll be living in the dumps again. i'm thinking about working out some crazy subletting scheme, but the reality is, who knows what will happen after grad school. maybe i will have enough money and fame to afford some place nice.
today is a busy day. every task on my list is something i look forward to doing except number 3: cleaning my room. ugh, what a pile of crap it's become. it's like some sort of rubik's cube to figure out how to live in a dorm space in an organized and semi pleasant manner. maybe after grad school i'll at least have a nicer bedroom.
my sister and her husband are coming into town this weekend to visit my mom. they are all going to take a one day and one night trip to los osos this weekend but i refused. too much vacation, right? much too much. i have been in serious vacation mode this whole month of august. i am tired of vacationing. and i have so much catching up to do. to apply or not to apply to grad school this year? crits? reading? writing? designing? so much! and i'm excited for all of it. and now it's time to DO IT.
i feel much more professional now that i've moved my desk from inside my lost bed to outside into the unusable nook in my studio. i already feel a vast improvement in morale! i'm ready to conquer all that is before me, armed with critical terms in art history and my burgeoning, but small, record collection. fuck, i love my studio. it's the only thing that is discouraging me from applying to grad school because i know that when i'm in school my studio isn't going to be as sweet, nor is my studio when i graduate from school. i'll be living in the dumps again. i'm thinking about working out some crazy subletting scheme, but the reality is, who knows what will happen after grad school. maybe i will have enough money and fame to afford some place nice.
today is a busy day. every task on my list is something i look forward to doing except number 3: cleaning my room. ugh, what a pile of crap it's become. it's like some sort of rubik's cube to figure out how to live in a dorm space in an organized and semi pleasant manner. maybe after grad school i'll at least have a nicer bedroom.
Saturday, August 25, 2007
saturday morning
today is officially the end of summer, and day 1 of my normal life. soon enough, i'll be back at work, not eating out, not shopping every day, not being the luxurious person i've been for the past month. it's gonna be harsh.
i am very excited for the coming months though-- smog & SF in october, nyc/boston in november, montreal in december... i don't have a lot to complain about. it's actually nice to have all this time to myself right now. i have a LOT of catching up to do. so i guess it's bittersweet.
today i need to return this cy twombly book that i've held captive for so long. even with the LA public library online renewal system i somehow manage to rack up late fees. there is really no excuse.
this is a bad entry. i might delete this later.
i am very excited for the coming months though-- smog & SF in october, nyc/boston in november, montreal in december... i don't have a lot to complain about. it's actually nice to have all this time to myself right now. i have a LOT of catching up to do. so i guess it's bittersweet.
today i need to return this cy twombly book that i've held captive for so long. even with the LA public library online renewal system i somehow manage to rack up late fees. there is really no excuse.
this is a bad entry. i might delete this later.
Friday, August 24, 2007
how many fresh starts do we get?
today is august 23, 2007, which marks the date of roughly my 10th or so blog i've started in my lifetime. every place i've lived i've at least started one blog. however, this one is really special because it's temporary until i get my real website up and running again. going through some major technical difficulties.
anyway, onto blogging content.
there are a lot of different type of blogs-- diaristic, documentary, commentary, culinary (a personal favorite of mine), poetic-- and to be honest they are all the same to me. i've usually gone the diaristic route, dabbled in commentary, already do the documentary via flickr. and partially done culinary when i did a fast for a few months. so what's left??! absurdity?
i'm one of those people who thinks everything is absurd, in retrospective. it's a way of dealing with and containing a more capable understanding of the overwhelming world. and i think blogs are very much like that. what i'm trying to say is, blogging is absurd; but we're addicted. i am addicted. instead of reading lytoard, benjamin and jameson like a good little art school graduate (i'm telling myself i'll do all of that in grad school), i can't go days without reading my superficial, the flog, art.LA, salon, GFG, not to mention the plethora of friends' blogs. and now we have myspace blogs, which are conveniently attached to myspace pages which have undeniably become an important social thread in our culture (as much as i'd liek to believe i could survive without a myspace page, it's clear that i am not social enough to live without one), and myspace bulletins, which are kind of used like blogs for those who are afraid to commit.
i hope one day to figure it out.
anyway, onto blogging content.
there are a lot of different type of blogs-- diaristic, documentary, commentary, culinary (a personal favorite of mine), poetic-- and to be honest they are all the same to me. i've usually gone the diaristic route, dabbled in commentary, already do the documentary via flickr. and partially done culinary when i did a fast for a few months. so what's left??! absurdity?
i'm one of those people who thinks everything is absurd, in retrospective. it's a way of dealing with and containing a more capable understanding of the overwhelming world. and i think blogs are very much like that. what i'm trying to say is, blogging is absurd; but we're addicted. i am addicted. instead of reading lytoard, benjamin and jameson like a good little art school graduate (i'm telling myself i'll do all of that in grad school), i can't go days without reading my superficial, the flog, art.LA, salon, GFG, not to mention the plethora of friends' blogs. and now we have myspace blogs, which are conveniently attached to myspace pages which have undeniably become an important social thread in our culture (as much as i'd liek to believe i could survive without a myspace page, it's clear that i am not social enough to live without one), and myspace bulletins, which are kind of used like blogs for those who are afraid to commit.
i hope one day to figure it out.
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