something i hate: during the lull of the midnight hour and listening to the hush of cars rushing by, the occasional dragster races by. it's the most piercingly irritating sound at night.
fuck, there go by two more. and i hear another one coming. fuck this jungle sometimes.
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
i live in an apartment on the 99th floor of my block
one of my most peculiar habits is the urge to spend when i'm broke. and i'm not one of those people perpetually broke-- my life is fairly at an average pace, meager in the big picture but substaincial in my world. but when i'm down to my last dollar, i just want to fucking splurge. i don't know where it comes from. denial maybe? a reaction to the stress being broke induces? i don't incur debt (anymore), but it's still ridiculous. like, if i'm going to break even at the end of the month for whatever reason, i'll make sure it's EXACTLY FUCKING EVEN. another habit: obsessive evenness/literal reality.
i was going to start writing about one of my best traits to counter the poor reflection i've already given myself in this post, but i'm curious about this "literal reality." my dad (who everyone diagnosed in my family with asperger's) had a very literal hold on reality. broke meant $0. grocery shopping at 3am meant 3am... exactly. thinking patterns in time generally progresses in a systemic way. this can get annoying. also charming, but definitely frustrating when expectations are not met. although i'm not as bad as my dad (his case estranged many people), i have traces of it-- everything in my private life/personal domestic life works on a schedule that i naturally make myself. par example, go home after work, rest for exactly one point five hours, shower, work for 4 or so hours, eat for point seven five hours, shower, in bed at 11 or 1130 to the minute. of course this sounds really insane and boring, but left to my own devices and solitude, this is pleasurable to me. encourages my workaholic mentality. but of course as i've grown older, i realize that doing this is not always "cool" (but always productive!) and trained myself to work myself out of the kinks of my schedule, as much as it sometimes pain the neurotic in me. but it's the only way to feel incorporated into the real world. but conversely, my private scheduling curates my savory "inner life."
but moving on to another aspie trait, a much more pleasant one in my opinion, and somewhat of a cursed blessing, and touching back to what i originally started talking about in this post (and and and and....), is my ability to utterly ignore reality and real responsiblity, mainly financial and anything socially binding. also an inherited trait. for example: debts and harrassments from the bank never bother me, bills are meaningless, money is nothing, jobs are useless, everything is harmless, love is all. not on the normal "i'm ignorant about the world and everything sucks" way, but in a much deeper, recoiling, antisocial, escapist way. this is something i always constantly have to train myself to pull away from, this dirty habit, because as i'm growing into a responsible adult (ha!), these things don't fly and instead stick to your credit score (which i can already tell one day will never matter to me, and never mattered to my dad-- a renter for life). i hope being aware of this now and seeing images of the years upon years of unopened bills my dad accumulated over the years on the top shelf of his office growing up (can you say fire hazard?), that won't be me. and even as a result of his neglectful habits, he also neglected good things too pertaining to the real world, such as growing stocks and dividends from general electric from like, over 30 years ago, which my mom is still dealing with until this very day, getting the refunds for them one by one.
hmm, i wonder... maybe i have asperger's?
i think i should really try to write a book about my dad.
i was going to start writing about one of my best traits to counter the poor reflection i've already given myself in this post, but i'm curious about this "literal reality." my dad (who everyone diagnosed in my family with asperger's) had a very literal hold on reality. broke meant $0. grocery shopping at 3am meant 3am... exactly. thinking patterns in time generally progresses in a systemic way. this can get annoying. also charming, but definitely frustrating when expectations are not met. although i'm not as bad as my dad (his case estranged many people), i have traces of it-- everything in my private life/personal domestic life works on a schedule that i naturally make myself. par example, go home after work, rest for exactly one point five hours, shower, work for 4 or so hours, eat for point seven five hours, shower, in bed at 11 or 1130 to the minute. of course this sounds really insane and boring, but left to my own devices and solitude, this is pleasurable to me. encourages my workaholic mentality. but of course as i've grown older, i realize that doing this is not always "cool" (but always productive!) and trained myself to work myself out of the kinks of my schedule, as much as it sometimes pain the neurotic in me. but it's the only way to feel incorporated into the real world. but conversely, my private scheduling curates my savory "inner life."
but moving on to another aspie trait, a much more pleasant one in my opinion, and somewhat of a cursed blessing, and touching back to what i originally started talking about in this post (and and and and....), is my ability to utterly ignore reality and real responsiblity, mainly financial and anything socially binding. also an inherited trait. for example: debts and harrassments from the bank never bother me, bills are meaningless, money is nothing, jobs are useless, everything is harmless, love is all. not on the normal "i'm ignorant about the world and everything sucks" way, but in a much deeper, recoiling, antisocial, escapist way. this is something i always constantly have to train myself to pull away from, this dirty habit, because as i'm growing into a responsible adult (ha!), these things don't fly and instead stick to your credit score (which i can already tell one day will never matter to me, and never mattered to my dad-- a renter for life). i hope being aware of this now and seeing images of the years upon years of unopened bills my dad accumulated over the years on the top shelf of his office growing up (can you say fire hazard?), that won't be me. and even as a result of his neglectful habits, he also neglected good things too pertaining to the real world, such as growing stocks and dividends from general electric from like, over 30 years ago, which my mom is still dealing with until this very day, getting the refunds for them one by one.
hmm, i wonder... maybe i have asperger's?
i think i should really try to write a book about my dad.
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
blow out
so, hello tuesday
today is one of those days where my mind is more ambitious than my body. i just completley crashed after work. i'm up now, but it's 630 and precious time gone...
anyway.
yesterday i heard nirvana on the radio several times, randomly on different stations.
i had a golden moment with a student today. marzella (no nickname), a girl who used to give me such a hard time and has more energy than anyone else in the room at a given time, came by my room during lunch on her own to eat her food and talk. it was so cute. she was tellin gme how much she likes me as a teacher, and how much she likes the class, and how she is excited she is doing well in my class and wants to keep working to get out of special ed. and knows she can have a bad attitude at times, but is working hard to not become so frustrated so easily. it was so adorable. i generally play the stone cold heartless teacher off hours, but this was too genuine to resist.
i unexpectedly received a mix cd in the mail.
my new favorite magazine is elle. i think in ways it's a lot better than vogue, because it's still high fashion and classy, but also very accessible and kind of, well, sassy. i could see myself becoming a subscriber. i also can't resist a magazine who is a fan of scarlett johansson (she' son this month's cover), because she's awesome and kind of my celebrity doppelganger. i'm a sucker, no need to tell me twice.
someone told me i should write a song about how the rainbow sticker i left on my bedroom window is still there after all these years.
today is one of those days where my mind is more ambitious than my body. i just completley crashed after work. i'm up now, but it's 630 and precious time gone...
anyway.
yesterday i heard nirvana on the radio several times, randomly on different stations.
i had a golden moment with a student today. marzella (no nickname), a girl who used to give me such a hard time and has more energy than anyone else in the room at a given time, came by my room during lunch on her own to eat her food and talk. it was so cute. she was tellin gme how much she likes me as a teacher, and how much she likes the class, and how she is excited she is doing well in my class and wants to keep working to get out of special ed. and knows she can have a bad attitude at times, but is working hard to not become so frustrated so easily. it was so adorable. i generally play the stone cold heartless teacher off hours, but this was too genuine to resist.
i unexpectedly received a mix cd in the mail.
my new favorite magazine is elle. i think in ways it's a lot better than vogue, because it's still high fashion and classy, but also very accessible and kind of, well, sassy. i could see myself becoming a subscriber. i also can't resist a magazine who is a fan of scarlett johansson (she' son this month's cover), because she's awesome and kind of my celebrity doppelganger. i'm a sucker, no need to tell me twice.
someone told me i should write a song about how the rainbow sticker i left on my bedroom window is still there after all these years.
Thursday, October 18, 2007
low/moderate substance
it's been a while since i've blogged. it's also been a while since i had a free moment to myself (serious). which is why now free time=blog. here are some updates:
-
wait. i think mostly what i've been doing is partying. you can't talk about partying as an "update." other than that, here is the material things that have happened:
- got a job gallery sitting at rosamund felsen in december for a week, which is totally awesome.
- wandered into a party and scored ton of expensive party schwag, which included a $50 spa powder wrap and drinkable skincare water. yep.
- taking the day off today to play hooky (it's back-to-school night-- oops!)
- going to NYC nov 10-17. that is pretty momentous.
i also found some wheat free fig newtons at whole foods last night which i have eaten in succession
i'm just gonna wait until the next blog update to write something of substance. i have too much to do today. oh, and if you're interested, start reading wicked and join susie and i's book club.
-
wait. i think mostly what i've been doing is partying. you can't talk about partying as an "update." other than that, here is the material things that have happened:
- got a job gallery sitting at rosamund felsen in december for a week, which is totally awesome.
- wandered into a party and scored ton of expensive party schwag, which included a $50 spa powder wrap and drinkable skincare water. yep.
- taking the day off today to play hooky (it's back-to-school night-- oops!)
- going to NYC nov 10-17. that is pretty momentous.
i also found some wheat free fig newtons at whole foods last night which i have eaten in succession
i'm just gonna wait until the next blog update to write something of substance. i have too much to do today. oh, and if you're interested, start reading wicked and join susie and i's book club.
Friday, October 12, 2007
shady greys in a friday haze
hello to friday!
tgif.
i went into james' room to borrow some cds to avoid a trip to amoeba. such a good idea! i have a stack of 20 new cds to listen to!
today was a fine day. fine, not as in "good," but as in "fine." meaning, not a whole lot done. at all. yet.
i'd say a lot of my time after work has been wasted as to whether or not to go around town and see art shows. now that it's too late, i guess not. better to go tomorrow, and maybe i'll get some work done tonight.
now that i've been doing this yoga my appetite is RAVENOUS. i eat a lot now. it's so bizarre. also, probably a good thing. my body has become so toned, it's kind of a foreign feeling to me. all good i say, all good.
today i started reading cat's cradle by kurt vonnegut. i started reading about 2 years ago and didn't like it, at all. i've tried reading vonnegut a few times, bt the only sotry i like is the short story "harrison bergeron" (which theyre making into a movie!). so far though, i'm liking cat's cradle.
i joined goodreads.com. join it it's awesome.
tgif.
i went into james' room to borrow some cds to avoid a trip to amoeba. such a good idea! i have a stack of 20 new cds to listen to!
today was a fine day. fine, not as in "good," but as in "fine." meaning, not a whole lot done. at all. yet.
i'd say a lot of my time after work has been wasted as to whether or not to go around town and see art shows. now that it's too late, i guess not. better to go tomorrow, and maybe i'll get some work done tonight.
now that i've been doing this yoga my appetite is RAVENOUS. i eat a lot now. it's so bizarre. also, probably a good thing. my body has become so toned, it's kind of a foreign feeling to me. all good i say, all good.
today i started reading cat's cradle by kurt vonnegut. i started reading about 2 years ago and didn't like it, at all. i've tried reading vonnegut a few times, bt the only sotry i like is the short story "harrison bergeron" (which theyre making into a movie!). so far though, i'm liking cat's cradle.
i joined goodreads.com. join it it's awesome.
Tuesday, October 09, 2007
love hurts
jesus, i just encountered my first credit card cancelling experience.
i've had this citicard that i paid off all the balance of and i haven't used for months. i even cut it up, just never closed it. so i finally get arond to closing it today. i called customer service and this is what happened:
them: hello, how are you doing ma'am are you okay today? (heavy, thick accent)
me: i'm fine. thanks.
them: what can we do for you?
me: i'd like to cancel my card.
them: why? ourbankissogretwehavelowinererstrateasdhjaksdhboomshakala?
me: (not being able to fully understand) uh, i just want to cancel and close the card please.
them: okay. let me transfer you to an expert. (puts me on hold)
me: hi, i want to cancel my card.
them: okay can i ask why? after 3 years, why?
me: i haven't used it in months. i cut it up. i have a new card. i want to cancel this one.
them: but WHY?! WEHAVETHEBESTPLANEVERLOWEESTINTERESTRATE82U48PERCENT8ERIUPERCENTRATEURH!
me: i don't want it. i have a new card. i want to cancel this one. it's been cut up for months.
them: but WHY?! WEHAVETHEBESTPLANEVERLOWEESTINTERESTRATE82U48PERCENT8ERIUPERCENTRATEURH!
me: i want to cancel it.
them: but WHY?! WEHAVETHEBESTPLANEVERLOWEESTINTERESTRATE82U48PERCENT8ERIUPERCENTRATEURH!
me: i want to cancel it.
them: ALRIGHT BYE
i swear that's how it ended.
breaking up ain't easy.
i've had this citicard that i paid off all the balance of and i haven't used for months. i even cut it up, just never closed it. so i finally get arond to closing it today. i called customer service and this is what happened:
them: hello, how are you doing ma'am are you okay today? (heavy, thick accent)
me: i'm fine. thanks.
them: what can we do for you?
me: i'd like to cancel my card.
them: why? ourbankissogretwehavelowinererstrateasdhjaksdhboomshakala?
me: (not being able to fully understand) uh, i just want to cancel and close the card please.
them: okay. let me transfer you to an expert. (puts me on hold)
me: hi, i want to cancel my card.
them: okay can i ask why? after 3 years, why?
me: i haven't used it in months. i cut it up. i have a new card. i want to cancel this one.
them: but WHY?! WEHAVETHEBESTPLANEVERLOWEESTINTERESTRATE82U48PERCENT8ERIUPERCENTRATEURH!
me: i don't want it. i have a new card. i want to cancel this one. it's been cut up for months.
them: but WHY?! WEHAVETHEBESTPLANEVERLOWEESTINTERESTRATE82U48PERCENT8ERIUPERCENTRATEURH!
me: i want to cancel it.
them: but WHY?! WEHAVETHEBESTPLANEVERLOWEESTINTERESTRATE82U48PERCENT8ERIUPERCENTRATEURH!
me: i want to cancel it.
them: ALRIGHT BYE
i swear that's how it ended.
breaking up ain't easy.
Monday, October 08, 2007
be the brave one
so, back from san francisco. as of tonight.
although i had a good trip, a part of me thinks it wasn't totally necessary, as i think it didn't do me much good as far as relaxing goes asie from a change of scenery and eating well (consistently eating well goes a long way, however). it wasn't necessarily stressful to be away from home, and it was good to hang out. i guess it just felt short.
bill callahan/smog was good, very touching, quite amazing, but my one criticism that was very distracting was that damned violin that he had play on ALL the songs, even if it wasn't originally composed into them. it totally ruined the crucial stringy, delicate vibes of the originals. he is such a stud. we missed sir richard bishop unfortunatley due to matt's laziness. and spread the laziness to everyone but me. but mE!
also saw into the wild, the new sean penn. since a lot of people don't know much about the plot, i won't say anything to the one person who i know reads this blog, and she probably already knows a lot about the movie already, so it doesn't really matter. BUt, but, i will still stay mum and say that it's a great movie, and you should see it.
since i've become so accustomed to san francisco and my life there, it gets a little boring. maybe i need not to go as much. i need to pay more attention to my friends here. and i realized that i kind o do more fit in with my friends here than with the people i know there. maybe because i'm more used to them here. no, forget i said that. they are all great. they are all fabulous. everyone is fabulous. like michaela mentioned today, "i'm beginning to like people now." word.
so now i have a lot to come back to here-- my slightly growing but forver will be stunted mode of growth at my job that pays well and allows me freedom, painting up a storm, going out and being more ambitious, staying directed, etc. i'm feeling the good vibes and i'm not going to let things get in my way. i want to feel it all.
but for now i have to face the immediate problems i have: cleaning up my shit. too bad i was too lazy/kind of drunk of a fuck the night before i left and didn't have time to clean up my space, and now i hope i don't have fruit flies everywhere. um don't ask.
basically, it's good to be back.
although i had a good trip, a part of me thinks it wasn't totally necessary, as i think it didn't do me much good as far as relaxing goes asie from a change of scenery and eating well (consistently eating well goes a long way, however). it wasn't necessarily stressful to be away from home, and it was good to hang out. i guess it just felt short.
bill callahan/smog was good, very touching, quite amazing, but my one criticism that was very distracting was that damned violin that he had play on ALL the songs, even if it wasn't originally composed into them. it totally ruined the crucial stringy, delicate vibes of the originals. he is such a stud. we missed sir richard bishop unfortunatley due to matt's laziness. and spread the laziness to everyone but me. but mE!
also saw into the wild, the new sean penn. since a lot of people don't know much about the plot, i won't say anything to the one person who i know reads this blog, and she probably already knows a lot about the movie already, so it doesn't really matter. BUt, but, i will still stay mum and say that it's a great movie, and you should see it.
since i've become so accustomed to san francisco and my life there, it gets a little boring. maybe i need not to go as much. i need to pay more attention to my friends here. and i realized that i kind o do more fit in with my friends here than with the people i know there. maybe because i'm more used to them here. no, forget i said that. they are all great. they are all fabulous. everyone is fabulous. like michaela mentioned today, "i'm beginning to like people now." word.
so now i have a lot to come back to here-- my slightly growing but forver will be stunted mode of growth at my job that pays well and allows me freedom, painting up a storm, going out and being more ambitious, staying directed, etc. i'm feeling the good vibes and i'm not going to let things get in my way. i want to feel it all.
but for now i have to face the immediate problems i have: cleaning up my shit. too bad i was too lazy/kind of drunk of a fuck the night before i left and didn't have time to clean up my space, and now i hope i don't have fruit flies everywhere. um don't ask.
basically, it's good to be back.
Wednesday, October 03, 2007
the days are long and the nights are too short
as annie and i discussed, venting about work really helps. so i am going to write a short essay summarizing the course of my average work day:
755am: arrive. check in the main office, sign the same substitute roll sheet, get my ISIS password, keys. check my box (yes i have my own box). 95% the box is full of stuff that is not relevant to me. grab a free LA Times and head to my no-homeroom classroom.
811am, period 1: period 1, aka The Grumpy Gangsters, featuring the students Lazy, Defiant, Ugly Mouth, Bad Mouth and SuperUgly. even at 811 in the morning, these kids still manage to spit some of the worst attitude youve ever heard. and they're only 12. and there's only 5 of them. and they are just like i call them-- they are grumpy, because they hate my class and school in general (and make it very known), and act like gangsters (talking in slang, slurring, lots of "oh mah GAWD," "*psssch*" and limp walking, sometimes stomping). lots of talking back. the kids in these class are notorious for being problem children.
911, period 2: these kids are a total 180 from period 1. they are angels. all girls, one of them named sunshine. dying to impress. if every student were like them, mre teachers would be in schools.
1010-130am: MY BREAK
1138-1213am, period 4: these kids are always really dirty. two tomboy girls and a boy who mumbles ALL THE TIME. at least they do their work, and are sorta smart, but their jokes are so not funny. it's usually cake.
1213-1250: LUNCH BREAK, or naptime for me.
1253-150pm, period 5: four rowdy boys. they are always sweaty and hyper. at least they are not gangster though, theyre pretty naive. i give them legos for the day if i don't want them to bother me. just medicate, medicate, medicate the soul.
153-251pm, period 6: these kids get detention all the time. they are really sweet but they just don't listen. i have a really dumb girl in this class. i mean, she is so dumb, she has no idea. she knows how to beat up on kids though and start gossip. i made her cry yesterday because i gave her detention for pouring glue on another student.
then i go home.
now that i've written all this stuff about work i dont want to talk about it anymore.
talk to you later.
755am: arrive. check in the main office, sign the same substitute roll sheet, get my ISIS password, keys. check my box (yes i have my own box). 95% the box is full of stuff that is not relevant to me. grab a free LA Times and head to my no-homeroom classroom.
811am, period 1: period 1, aka The Grumpy Gangsters, featuring the students Lazy, Defiant, Ugly Mouth, Bad Mouth and SuperUgly. even at 811 in the morning, these kids still manage to spit some of the worst attitude youve ever heard. and they're only 12. and there's only 5 of them. and they are just like i call them-- they are grumpy, because they hate my class and school in general (and make it very known), and act like gangsters (talking in slang, slurring, lots of "oh mah GAWD," "*psssch*" and limp walking, sometimes stomping). lots of talking back. the kids in these class are notorious for being problem children.
911, period 2: these kids are a total 180 from period 1. they are angels. all girls, one of them named sunshine. dying to impress. if every student were like them, mre teachers would be in schools.
1010-130am: MY BREAK
1138-1213am, period 4: these kids are always really dirty. two tomboy girls and a boy who mumbles ALL THE TIME. at least they do their work, and are sorta smart, but their jokes are so not funny. it's usually cake.
1213-1250: LUNCH BREAK, or naptime for me.
1253-150pm, period 5: four rowdy boys. they are always sweaty and hyper. at least they are not gangster though, theyre pretty naive. i give them legos for the day if i don't want them to bother me. just medicate, medicate, medicate the soul.
153-251pm, period 6: these kids get detention all the time. they are really sweet but they just don't listen. i have a really dumb girl in this class. i mean, she is so dumb, she has no idea. she knows how to beat up on kids though and start gossip. i made her cry yesterday because i gave her detention for pouring glue on another student.
then i go home.
now that i've written all this stuff about work i dont want to talk about it anymore.
talk to you later.
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