i'm yr long-haired lady

this week is one of those really poor ones.

after having let myself loose for over a month of no work, the end of the month is near and rent is motherfuckin' due. i have just enough, just barely to see me and my ass through until after i get back from SF. but that means purely el farlito burritos for me. once a day. which is fine.

today was a semi productive day in the studio. felt kinda tired all day. went to sleep feeling slightly ill last night, but had fun when i went out. finished up a painting. but now i want to go run an errand in silverlake but i can't because i don't have enough money for gas to get there and also to pay for my birth control. ugh. so annoying.

paydaypayday is on friiiiiiiiiiiiday hallelujah!

i finally found the shampoo i bought in point reyes station like two months ago. hidden the trunk of my car. why am i so sluggish today? maybe i'm not meant to do much today except watch cache, and maybe do some reading.

i had a really weird dream. briefly. susie and i were modifying my dresses and she cut one of them very short and asked to dye it, but i told her the silky synthetic fabrice probably wouldn't take to dye that well, and also, it didn't need it. i also tod her i wanted to hem my other dress and she just kinda looked like EW, that dress is so disgusting! and i put it on for her to cut bt instead she almost started cutting the neckline, and i was like no! i like the neckline! and then she rolled her eyes and said ugh okay, i'll cut what you want me to.

yeah that was a lame brief dream, i know.

he's my brandy alexander, always gets me into trouble

in the past few weeks, i've made an effort to excite my weekda routine, and so far, it's working. the staples of the week are wednesday (yoga in the evening, movie), and thursday (dinner with friends and tv). it's something i never did very much, doing anything but eating and sleeping on the weekdays when i had to work... never very spruced. now i look forward to the weekdays, to my wednesday when i go to yoga and forget about my world, go home and relax; and thursday when i get to get out of my house and indulge willfully in fluffy television and camraderie.

all of this weekend activity i think is really contributing to my fairly good state of mind. aside from the conflicting emotions i'm having about my job (everyday i feel like i want it as my last day, but then i think twice about all the benefits i take for granted), i really have it good. i'm reconnecting with friends, roommates, with my art, myself. it's great.

but of course, there are those problems that will never leave you.

if there is one thing i lament, it's my lack of cooking these days. my current kitchen is anything but conducive to catering. enough for a basic rice and veggie dishes, but not for an hour long sesh of cooking craziness like i used to do, bastardized vindaloo's and boiled chicken and green beans, lemon curd tart and zucchini carob bread. time has become an issue too. i have little excuses to waste time, because i have a studio, a fabulous one at that; i have all i want/need. i'd rather go shopping with that time.

my little corner of crenshaw

today, when i was at office depot, the male (and i think gay) black cashier called me "ma'am." i lived in a predominantly black neighborhood, and this happens almost any time i make a trip to my favorite walgreens or goodwill. i guess i never really paid it much mind before. but then i thought, what's going on here? this is kind of a backwards, old fashioned southern-tipped neighborhood, so is this what i really think it is? it's this some black-white courtesy shit going on here? am i called a "ma'am" because i am a white chick?

i could be totally reading into this (probably am), but it weirded me out. i guess i shouldn't be too surprised if it's true. the world is still really backwards, especially in economically depressed areas, regardless of how charming they may be. granted, you still have your fair share of haters ("white BITCH... white BITCH..."), there are also the elderly men and women, and sometimes younger, that tip their hat to ya.

i won't let it get to me. i love this area despite all it's faults. i actually love it for it's flaws. cruising down jefferson is one of the most inspiring drives for me in all of los angeles. so many abonded shops, decaying signage, vibrant colors, old tags and newer graffiti, crude an dying jet beautiful foliage; it's all just so fucking poetic. i love having my studio around here.

however. when it comes to living here AND working here, it's becoming a bit much-- i am at my wit's end seeing the seedy underbelly of the state of our union. it's real, very real, and i think it's too much realness for me. i've had my experience, done my time, but it ain't really my jam anymore.

sooo sally can waaaaaiiit

i have ten nine minutes to kill before i have to hop back in the car and go to work.

not a whole lot to blog about. just havent blogged in a while.

i know i have said this before, for years now, but really, really, all i really want is to be mary poppins.

i've been sweepin' up the tips i made, been living off gatorade

i haven't been feeling very social lately. i guess that's the only rationale i can think of. the idea of going out is appealing, most of the time, and seeing friends is, most of the time, but when i go out i'll just wimp out early. or i guess that's just this weekend. whatever. i just have so much on my mind and a fast approaching deadline. so yeah, i guess that's enough to make anyone feel the way i do.

i guess in the winter this feeling will pass.

last night in my dream i was walking around in the street and wanted to take my bobby pins out of my hair, and so i did, except that when i was done i had a fistful of like, 30 bobby pins. i also dreamt that i woke up and thought it was a monday and couldn't find a clock and was asking everyone around me what time it was but no one could. and then someon told me it was 815am and thinking it was a monday i was thinkig about how i would be late for work. but i realized today was sunday. the weekend isn't totally gone.

on the run

so here comes the weekend. first weekend of the school year. first step of decompression-- blogging.

decompressing is so important. we take for granted that time needed to just unwind to try to do other things with it. even if your job is close to mindless (kinda like mine in a way), everyone needs a little time to get back to themselves. blogging, despite the focus required to do it, is like that for me sometimes. i wish i could blog at school, damn fucking firewalls and slow computers.

so it looks like i'll be teaching in a room for a month, or maybe more. maybe i'll be the ever coveted long term sub. that would be really crazy. i don't know if i'm up for that responsibility of grading papers and whatnot, but yet again i realized that i am teaching a special ed science class, with another person, with no more than 5 kids in a room at a time. so um, yeah.

what elsei'maaaaaaaammmmmmmmmmmmm

back giving it to the man

today i unexpectedly had my first day of work with LA unified. I don't know how it happens, but i always get randomly selected to work at audubon (or perhaps someone is secretly requesting me over there? i doubt theyre that organized). the only reason why i work at audubon because it's a 5min drive from home. i have been currently blessed with an awesome class situation where i don't have to do jack SHIT in terms of discipline. thank god. and i only have like 3 kids per class. and i have an aid who has been ther eforever and a rad teacher next door. so all things considered, i have it pretty good. and because it's the first day of school i might be in that room for a while too (cheers for routine and stable work. and full power a/c).

my studio is currently a pants free zone!!! no pants allowed. this mid level heat bugs. it's cool outside, possible too cool for a/c and too hot to bear without it. dilemma dilemma. will take cold shower.

i really like this artist Martin Boyce. also a big big fan of Thomas Scheibitz. last night i had this overwhelming feeling of not wanting to move from LA. maybe it was the really bland chris burden interview in the new ANP quarterly that somehow influenced me, but there is a calm about this city that i for sure must take for granted. and the unique structure and culture of it. i mean, i guess i can always come back. right? is that a good thing though? is that a smart move? who knoooows. who knows about these things. i just, i don't know. i have a lot of anxiety entering this whole process. maybe i won't get in anywhere and i won't have to deal with this. maybe this means i'm not ready. but i feel i am ready, i have a desire to know more about art and painting and i need to learn.

sometimes we just have to let ourselves be unhappy to be happy again.

I have a two-prong outlet on my forehead

that headline was saved as a cookie on my mom's computer... i wonder where that came from.

it's 130 and i'm going to have to get my day started soon. it's been nice to ward off the heat in the comfort of my mom's central air. however, eventually i have to head back home. there is always work to be done. i am a workaholic. i always have to be working. things must always get better. busy busy busy, think think think, progress work grow pass out. the story of my life.

lately i have been constantly famished. i think the actually culprit is serious dehydration. like, serious dehydration. wouldn't be surprised, because i'm already horrible at it, and the days have been so hot that i'm probably a lot more parched than i know. gotta keep drinking electrolytes.

this is a REALLY boring blog entry. blah blah blah, just a catalyst to get my day started right?

so here's a fact: venice (as in italy) became a world empire thousands of years ago because it managed to control the salt trade (it imposed a tariff on it). and, kosher salt is better to cook with than regualr iodized/table salt because the crystals are flat and they absorb into the food quicker. rock salt can be recycled for use over and over again (if used for baking). when salt interacts with the tongue, it makes a electric reaction that enhances the flavor of the food more. if you are stranded on a desert isle and you don't have a lot of freshwater, adding 1/3 salt water to your freshwater supply will extend the use of the freshwater in your body, forcing it to retain more water because it has to retain the salt.

INTERESTING!!!!!

heat thriller.

what a weekend!

friday: put together a bookshelf. not that thrilling but relaxing and productive. sister becky came into town and we had a fabulous dinner.

saturday: was very productive all day in the studio and went to my moms house to take care of phoebe and sleep through a shit movie (avenue montaingenen-- just aWFUL)

sunday: fun! went to ooga booga party. bought a really great record (as per recommended by alexa), the new cabinet mag, and a free new anp. then i went to the echo to see the chromatics (awesome) and was hit on by RYAN GOSLING. that's right everyone. RYAN MOTHERFUCKING GOSLING. but in my starstruck/thinking about having sex with him stupor, i couldn't encounter much of a conversation. then he left. what a lost opportunity!!! well, i coulda had it. coulda had that ass.

today: had a studio visit with bart. went very well. bought some tyvek and gesso online. got approval from an elusive and coveted professor to write my recommendation for grad. now i have all three recs ready!! so excited. so ecstatic. scared.

sigh. my roommates will hate me next month for racking up the a/c bill. whatever man. my supplies are literally melting on the floor! damn you sculptors.

panging

just a quickie before i have to get my day started.

am really nervous about applying to grad school. am having major insecurities that i am simply not good enough. why is my art so weird? why is it so crude? ugh. it's so annoying. i wish it was all easier. i'm still applying anyway though, i mean, what the hell. i have nothing to lose. if i don't get in i just work in my awesome studio again next year and that will be fine too.

i didn't sleep at all much last night. i feel a little out of sorts. wanna get some painting and lots of drawing done too-daygay. today is gay. just kidding haayyy.

need coffee.

worried. >:[